Outspoken Nothingness

Saturday, June 21, 2008

"Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again"

*It hurts to be hurt

*I'm not ready to grow-up. Not just yet. I haven't done half the things a "pre-adult" should do. What are they? I have no idea, but I don't feel ready. I actually feel ripped off my youth

*I turned into one of them...someone who talks just to fill the silence without saying anything worth saying The problem is: Because there's nothing to talk about, and I don't have much going on in my life, I fill the silence with bitching and complaining and nagging and whining. I HATE myself for that

*Why do I say yes when I always want to say no?

*Why am I always there for a friend who always needs me there when she's not not being there for me when in fact I need the space and she knows it?

*"She only got that for you because I got something for her last month when I went to Dubai. So she didn't want to give me something without also giving you something" (Regarding a "souqa"). This was said to be by a close friend when I described the girl as thoughtful for getting me a little something. Was that a little bit hurtful or am I being a bit too sensitive?

*All I want to do is live on a deserted island for a week or two with no human contact whatsoever, but given there is electricity and proper bathroom facilities. I just need some peace and quiet. Is that so much to ask for?

*I've gained 5 kilos in the past month. I feel too heavy for comfort.

*Even though nothing is going on in my life, where the only action I get is having dinner with friends, I feel very chaotic. Like I need to calm down. It's really taking a toll on me, and I have no idea how to control it.

*I want to do absolutely nothing and be absolutely useless, at the same time I want to be productive. It's driving me insane.

* I feel very empty....

* I want to feel better, and yet I feel there's nothing wrong. But then again, nothing is feeling good.

I am a mess!